Baxor's Epics Comment Page

If you have a BIONICLE story to tell, share it here.

Baxor's Epics Comment Page

Joined: 07 Dec 2012, 20:33

01 May 2014, 14:33 #1

Tell me what you think of my epics! All critiques welcome! Below are all my epics as well as links to their pages, along with the dates that I posted them.

My current Epics are:
Darkness After Dawn(December 13th, 2012-March 5th, 2013)
Eternal Destiny(May 1st, 2014)
Science of Darkness(August 9th 2014)

The Mercenary Saga:
The Mercenary(May 6th, 2014)
The Prisoner(May 28th, 2014)
The Friend(July 9th, 2014)
The Battle(August 28th 2014)
I'll twist hakann's head so far he can stare himself in the eye
-Vezok

'Yo, yo Piraka' is still alive!!!
Reply
Like

Joined: 21 Jun 2009, 02:54

04 May 2014, 03:08 #2

I haven't had a good chance to look at the story yet, Im actually hoping to copy/paste it into my ebook reader when I have a day off. If I get around to it, would you like your story posted on the front page?
Please keep text and images well managed so they do not become an eyesore, and please only quote or talk about others in your signiture if its alright with the member you are talking about. Want your work featured on our front page? Post it in my to do list!
Reply
Like

Joined: 07 Dec 2012, 20:33

05 May 2014, 12:30 #3

Adrninistrator @ May 4 2014, 03:08 AM wrote: I haven't had a good chance to look at the story yet, Im actually hoping to copy/paste it into my ebook reader when I have a day off. If I get around to it, would you like your story posted on the front page?
Wait, really? That would be so cool! I would love it if you could! Thanks!
I'll twist hakann's head so far he can stare himself in the eye
-Vezok

'Yo, yo Piraka' is still alive!!!
Reply
Like

Joined: 14 Oct 2009, 21:50

05 May 2014, 18:11 #4

Got finals right now, but I'll be sure to take a look at it after this week. I've noticed that you've posted your Epic on the discussion forums.

I recommend saving your work on pdf and place it in your Google drives or post it on Fanfic.net or Deviant Art if you haven't done so already.
Reply
Like

Joined: 07 Dec 2012, 20:33

06 May 2014, 11:50 #5

Matoro @ May 5 2014, 06:11 PM wrote: Got finals right now, but I'll be sure to take a look at it after this week. I've noticed that you've posted your Epic on the discussion forums.

I recommend saving your work on pdf and place it in your Google drives or post it on Fanfic.net or Deviant Art if you haven't done so already.
I don't get the thing about my epic being posted in the discussion forums. Pretty sure it's in Epics and Stories. Any who, I don't think I'll put it on Deviant or Fanfic.net. I sure you'll understand that I've already got oodles of accounts already. However, if you'd like, you can copy it down and post it on Deviant or Fanfic.net yourself, no copyright issues or anything! :lol: :lol:
I'll twist hakann's head so far he can stare himself in the eye
-Vezok

'Yo, yo Piraka' is still alive!!!
Reply
Like

Joined: 21 Jun 2009, 02:54

11 May 2014, 02:52 #6

>_< UUuhg, I hadn't read Eternal Destiny yet because I was looking for "The Powers That Be" on our forums, I wanted to read that first and I thought that was a tittle you used for a previous story, took me a while to figure out it was an official story and you were expanding upon it with this one XD

Im trying to read through it tonight.

EDIT: YAY I was able to copy/paste it into wordpad and then put that on my ereader ^__^
Please keep text and images well managed so they do not become an eyesore, and please only quote or talk about others in your signiture if its alright with the member you are talking about. Want your work featured on our front page? Post it in my to do list!
Reply
Like

Joined: 07 Dec 2012, 20:33

12 May 2014, 13:10 #7

Adrninistrator @ May 11 2014, 02:52 AM wrote: >_< UUuhg, I hadn't read Eternal Destiny yet because I was looking for "The Powers That Be" on our forums, I wanted to read that first and I thought that was a tittle you used for a previous story, took me a while to figure out it was an official story and you were expanding upon it with this one XD

Im trying to read through it tonight.

EDIT: YAY I was able to copy/paste it into wordpad  and then put that on my ereader ^__^
Yeah, sorry, I probably ought to add that as a notice, and I'll add the BIONICLE.wikia link that has the story on it. Sorry that it was a bit of trouble. I don't think that Eternal Destiny was as good as it could have been, but that's mostly because Greg left us hanging ( :angry: :angry: :angry: :angry: :angry: !!!!!!!!!!)and I had no clue what he was planning to do with it.

Really, Eternal Destiny was mostly to explain why Gaaduhk(In The Mercenary) is able to go to places like Visorak when places like that are supposedly junk piles. Also, The Mercenary is the beginning of this gigantic saga(where the saga's parts are actually other sagas) which includes SPOILER*.

At this point I am about halfway through the second part of The Mercenary Saga, the Prisoner, so expect it in the middle or late part of this week.

Edit:Forgot to add the SPOILER. See it at the bottom, or if you'd rather avoid it, read The Mercenary and you'll find out at the end.





























*SPOILER:The return of Nidihki and the Dark Hunters!!!!!
I'll twist hakann's head so far he can stare himself in the eye
-Vezok

'Yo, yo Piraka' is still alive!!!
Reply
Like

Joined: 21 Jun 2009, 02:54

13 May 2014, 00:05 #8

Ive got your story on the front page now, you can see it herehere.


Trying not to give any spoilers, I feel like the ending was rushed, and maybe a few odds and ends could have been worded better, but the story was interesting and I liked how the use of elemental powers seemed like the kind of things the toa would have done.

I would say if anything were to be changed, maybe those wrist bands made things too easy for the toa, and the toa didn't really have a final confrontation so much as they were trapped and the kestora happened to be doing something that put an end to the enemy and set them free I the process, maybe if they had a bigger part or a battle that made it possible for the Kestora to finish it off, it would have been better. I do like the idea with the lake and what come out of it, and it sets up the idea that the characters had regained what was lost.
Please keep text and images well managed so they do not become an eyesore, and please only quote or talk about others in your signiture if its alright with the member you are talking about. Want your work featured on our front page? Post it in my to do list!
Reply
Like

Joined: 07 Dec 2012, 20:33

28 May 2014, 21:06 #9

Adrninistrator @ May 13 2014, 12:05 AM wrote: Ive got your story on the front page now, you can see it herehere.


Trying not to give any spoilers, I feel like the ending was rushed, and maybe a few odds and ends could have been worded better, but the story was interesting and I liked how the use of elemental powers seemed like the kind of things the toa would have done.

I would say if anything were to be changed, maybe those wrist bands made things too easy for the toa, and the toa didn't really have a final confrontation so much as they were trapped and the kestora happened to be doing something that put an end to the enemy and set them free I the process, maybe if they had a bigger part or a battle that made it possible for the Kestora to finish it off, it would have been better. I do like the idea with the lake and what come out of it, and it sets up the idea that the characters had regained what was lost.
Yeah, I mostly made it because I couldn't let that cliffhanger stand and I needed to explain the thing with the lake. Also, in my opinion, the original story wasn't too good. I didn't have much to work with.

Edit:Posted my new epic.
I'll twist hakann's head so far he can stare himself in the eye
-Vezok

'Yo, yo Piraka' is still alive!!!
Reply
Like

Joined: 07 Dec 2012, 20:33

01 Sep 2014, 20:19 #10

The Mercenary Saga is finished(if anyone wants to read it...). I should be posting the next part of my Epic Saga I at a certain point, but I'm actually working on a ligitimate book at the moment and can't really focus on anything else. I've got about four more Sagas to go on Epic Saga I, but it will be awhile before I get there.
I'll twist hakann's head so far he can stare himself in the eye
-Vezok

'Yo, yo Piraka' is still alive!!!
Reply
Like

Joined: 04 Dec 2016, 01:55

24 Jan 2017, 01:12 #11

I take it this is where I review Veth's tale?

Very nice. The opening and the timeskip feel clunky & forced, & the title of the second chapter is misleading (the sanctuary wasn't lost, his father was). Also birth-the-same-day-as-death is a cliche. :P

Liked the jungle character language insertion & the wacky explanation for Okoto childbirth. Also like how I was able to understand Veth's mindset of living out in jungle, the fight to survive, all of that. Good characters, but you need to work on the plot; it's clear that you're struggling to make the plot interesting, which is a classic beginner's mistake. :P

No worse than G2 storyline in general, though, which is a plus. 7.5/10. :P
Reply
Like

Joined: 07 Dec 2012, 20:33

01 Feb 2017, 01:43 #12

LOL, yeah.

Also, no birth explanation can be worse than Greg's G1 reference. "Erm, we're not going to talk about this". Much later: "Yeah, they're literally just made by mass production. Duh." :P LOL

I appreciate your reading and your critiques especially; this was generally for anything just so you know. Unfortunately I had this extensive chronology for a massive 13 part (which would end up being something like 130 parts all making up the 13 parts), but then G2 happened. And then I made one not as massive but as deep, and then I made Metal for Flesh and I'm probably not going to come back to fanfic writing. I still do a little now and again, but between school, an actual book series, and Metal For Flesh, I've got more than enough on my hands at the moment.

But now that you're reading them I'm tempted to start it up again. If someone will read it, hey that's as good a reason as any, right? :)
I'll twist hakann's head so far he can stare himself in the eye
-Vezok

'Yo, yo Piraka' is still alive!!!
Reply
Like

Joined: 04 Dec 2016, 01:55

02 Feb 2017, 08:46 #13

Baxor @ Jan 31 2017, 05:43 PM wrote: LOL, yeah.

Also, no birth explanation can be worse than Greg's G1 reference. "Erm, we're not going to talk about this". Much later: "Yeah, they're literally just made by mass production. Duh." :P LOL

I appreciate your reading and your critiques especially; this was generally for anything just so you know. Unfortunately I had this extensive chronology for a massive 13 part (which would end up being something like 130 parts all making up the 13 parts), but then G2 happened. And then I made one not as massive but as deep, and then I made Metal for Flesh and I'm probably not going to come back to fanfic writing. I still do a little now and again, but between school, an actual book series, and Metal For Flesh, I've got more than enough on my hands at the moment.

But now that you're reading them I'm tempted to start it up again. If someone will read it, hey that's as good a reason as any, right? :)
Really? He said that? I'm actually one of those snobs who consider anything that Greg said on the LMBs to be functionally non-canon since he forgot that physics existed regarding Spherus Magna's size. (Also he said that Toa could gain mask powers by fusing masks into themselves, which could have easily made the most OP Toa ever. :P I could spend a whole thread poking at LMB Greg.)

What is Metal for Flesh? Anyway, no pressure on anything, figured since you were going to review my stuff I might as well return the favor. Also can relate to the situation...I was there in high school some years back...except I had like 5 book series ideas in various stages of development.

My #1 advice: pick one concept, develop it into shape, & write it all the way through to the end. Then, research publishing it. (I did this at 14) Then, actually try to find an agent. Research query letters & send the things. I got stuck on publishing research and the thought that my book was no good actually caught up to me, forcing me through years of revisions & reworkings. Now I have to decide whether my latest version or my old version is the one worth publishing. Don't fall into that trap.

Whatever you do, start it & get to the end. The end of this one is your royalty advance in your hand. Don't settle for anything less than that, & barrel through all the obstacles until you get it. Forget your education levels & actually send the query letters. Learn from my mistakes. Eat donuts. :P

Trust me - I'm sitting here at 23. Being an adult makes writing a lot harder. I wish I could go back in time and smack my 9th grade self in the face for not knowing how to find an agent. I figured that out at 17 -http://www.agentquery.com/writer_hq.aspx - but by then I had already torn my novel apart & was lost in an ocean of uncertainty. But maybe I can save someone else from that one. Good luck. :)
Reply
Like

Joined: 07 Dec 2012, 20:33

07 Feb 2017, 01:51 #14

Yup, he actually did say that. It was actually 2015, but I missed it. I found the breaking news from TTV on this link. And I kind of just jumble together whatever the heck I want to make my own head-cannon. I'm unconcerned with 'official cannon' for G1, or G2, personally. I just take what I want, accept what I accept, and move on.

But we actually should start a topic on that. It would be fun.

Metal for Flesh is better known as the BIONICLE Concept Project (forum link here:http://forums.maskofdestiny.com/index.p ... st=0&#last). It's basically my personal BIONICLE band, planning for our (my) first release around September if all goes well. I'm going to advertise it on TTV MB, and maybe BZP closer to the actual release date. I'm planning to release it for free download on Bandcamp and advertise largely through youtube. But anyhow.

And yeah, I've finally gotten down to my concept after 4 years writing, but I'm actually writing the series with a friend, so that makes it both encouraging (both of us has our writing-block moments, but neither wants to stop and let down the other), and complex, because we have to work with a story bible and other things to synthesize knowledge and plot. Thankfully I think I've finally pinned down what to do. And honestly, the plot I started with is so vastly different (and worse) than what I have now, I'm incredibly glad I've ripped it to shreds half a dozen times.

And I'm planning on doing most of the stuff you suggested once I've finished an edited draft that I'm comfortable with, which will hopefully be in the next 2-3 years. Also, my recommendation: stick with the newer version. It's difficult to do what I did, and write a 400 page first draft, and then decide that you want to completely shift the plot around. But in my experience as a writer, everyone has to develop that side of them, and it matures into something better over time. That's how it is for me at least (and I also don't know you story and thus don't really have an idea of which is better or why you would want to keep one over the other; just my n00b thoughts).


Also, to be on topic, I've finished chapter 2 or three. It's a little flighty, and my internal writing-snob wants to complain about a lot of things, in particular the vaguely defined (or at least presently vaguely defined) plot and lack of exposition. But, I actually really like it. There's something just warm and enjoyable about it, that just makes me like it. Also, was this your first epic? And/Or your first time writing something like this? If so, that would explain some things. I mean, heck, I shudder at my first epic. It's terrible. Really. Horrible.
I'll twist hakann's head so far he can stare himself in the eye
-Vezok

'Yo, yo Piraka' is still alive!!!
Reply
Like

Joined: 04 Dec 2016, 01:55

07 Feb 2017, 03:46 #15

No, it's actually my 4th Bionicle epic.

The Team (horrible; basically an extension of a short story that was smashing; the extension not so much)
Fire (short & sweet)
Amethyst (dark)
Late to the Party
Tales of Extrenix

The idea behind is to leave things mysterious & let the reader figure things out as they go; the idea is to keep the reader's interest by leaving things unknown & ditch the (IMO boring) exposition. I think I might have overdone it a little TOO much with the "waterfall & mysterious character" thing in LTTP, but it does get better as I reveal more about her backstory. I don't have the luxury of knowing just how confusing it is though, as I already knew everything from the beginning, so nice to hear feedback.

And yes, I've already got feedback that says I tend to barrel & under-describe stuff. I know I need to slow down & actually get the detailed imagery out of my head on the page better.

* * *

So Metal for Flesh is a Bionicle concept album, you say? I take it you're telling a Bionicle story through music?

Recommendation noted. My drafts actually have a bad habit of running too short; right now my latest version is almost done, save for some research problems, a huge chronology issue involving births & deaths, and length. :P Which isn't much done at all IMO.
Reply
Like

Joined: 07 Dec 2012, 20:33

03 Mar 2017, 23:53 #16

fishers64 @ Feb 7 2017, 03:46 AM wrote: No, it's actually my 4th Bionicle epic.

The Team (horrible; basically an extension of a short story that was smashing; the extension not so much)
Fire (short & sweet)
Amethyst (dark)
Late to the Party
Tales of Extrenix

The idea behind is to leave things mysterious & let the reader figure things out as they go; the idea is to keep the reader's interest by leaving things unknown & ditch the (IMO boring) exposition. I think I might have overdone it a little TOO much with the "waterfall & mysterious character" thing in LTTP, but it does get better as I reveal more about her backstory. I don't have the luxury of knowing just how confusing it is though, as I already knew everything from the beginning, so nice to hear feedback.

And yes, I've already got feedback that says I tend to barrel & under-describe stuff. I know I need to slow down & actually get the detailed imagery out of my head on the page better.

* * *

So Metal for Flesh is a Bionicle concept album, you say? I take it you're telling a Bionicle story through music?

Recommendation noted. My drafts actually have a bad habit of running too short; right now my latest version is almost done, save for some research problems, a huge chronology issue involving births & deaths, and length. :P Which isn't much done at all IMO.
Yup, I am doing that indeed, with a fair amount of oddly-named songs, explanatory interlude, character themes in music, and my arguably good voice singing along.

I figured that was why things were not very well explained, and being patient is actually kind of nice.

Don't think I've recommended it before, but you should probably use a story bible. Not sure if you're working with a world or not (I am, so it is extremely helpful), but even if you aren't, keeping track of character stuff and plot ideas is surprisingly helpful. Especially given that you (like me) have been working on it over a long period of time. I can't count the number of ideas I was incredibly physched with, but totally forgot by the time I got to where they were supposed to be used :(
I'll twist hakann's head so far he can stare himself in the eye
-Vezok

'Yo, yo Piraka' is still alive!!!
Reply
Like

Joined: 04 Dec 2016, 01:55

08 Mar 2017, 20:06 #17

Yeah, I actually do use a story bible of sorts, writing out characters and settings and whatnot. I just don't outline plot because I find that exasperating.
Reply
Like